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a haphazard beginning

B030idc
Im deleting my facebook.  Find me at lilcrycry@gmail.com
dm me for my phone #.  will be deleting at the end of the day for good.

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Occassionally i need to be seasoned with salt and wine, sulfate and brine from the vine of past lines and passing nights to marinate the meat of swallowed lies and self deluded alibis, thats grown rotten and sodden with imagined maggots, festering around my stomach, lining up to plummet, their fangs into surrounding veins, spreading dabs of  blood born pathogens, incubating fads of lovelorn pessimism, that shoot like a hemlock dipped arrow, the poisoned tip burrowed deeply within my heart, straining to contain its hard pounding start, of sending shudders of pain, reigning in rivulets of blood drips up my spine, to line at the port side of the ship of my imagined mind, to implant nervous attacks, of red hacked false narratives, that slip into the narrows of the gallows of the channels of time, a deluge flooding my networks abusing my neural connectors, drowning reception to the intuitive receptors, bringing convulsions of  propulsions of  heart beats that brings heat to smoke my anger in my spit, so i spit rhymes and chase lines with a broken mind that missteps on the intended melody, and becomes a bittersweet ranting of less than what was wanted by me, becuz modest expectations met dont satisfy me, which is probably, why some people see me or call me, occasionally an asshole, with my persecution complex ego, i utilize to feed me when mentally im approaching e getting low on what i need to keep my po to the e tree flowing easy, though, this sentimentality shouldn't show up so evidently in my readings, so sometimes i feel the need to take a toke in the face of this joke, where dissonant seeds are sown, by some folks, disagreeing on who should own the blame, disowning what they should be owning up to, becuz theyd rather fuck u and me up our assholes than accept responsiblity for their spin, spinning, misdirecting equations, while rescinding rights that should be a given, over the holiday, on my fucking birthday, sucking the marrow of happiness from my bones, spewing out of their mouth holes bullshit from the catacombes of hearts with no pulse to show they even exist, spreading their horseshit propaganda like diseased zombies who have bitten and smitten foolish drones, who become pleased to impose their tyranny to dispose onto me a lesson, that quite frankly, my nagging ego, rightly or wrongly, is telling me, they should be receiving instead of giving, as their living, with excuses for the refuse of what was once supposed empathy, dishing and dismissing on those that dont agree with or suffer from shared maladies, and it follows that some fellow but not so mellow citizens, will assault my ears with accusations, of recriminations, that im a devil with no care, while crocodiles ignore silent cries of their peers, and are applauded for their fair share of tears, shed over false flag fears, as they bear their teeth to tear our innocence to bits, and i start to think, something stinks about this, ignorance turning to neisance and a growing distance drawn with a fine red line between us, becuz it feels as though this has happened before, like representatives stealing water from the lakeshore, where i was born, not upon the shore, but close enough to not ignore, how many more rights theyve taken from the poor, than the few rights theyve portioned to the drones that should be dropping their social media bombs for these wrongs, instead of taglines annonymously fed by newswires on red lines in place of real news outlining lead pipes with a fucking byline, so by the by, nevermind this dirty water in flint, nothing to see here in the gaza strip, and evidently theres only one side to the syrian conflict, or so they expect us to accept this and live with less than what should be expected from those who should represent us, but really represent none of us, cuz to me this nonsense makes no sense, and if u feel by saying this im commiting an offense, u can call me an asshole, but rest assured these wrongs wont be resolved from labels, or pulling our heads out of our shitholes, because we need something more than silence, and something less than self righteousness, so now ill be silent to think more on this.

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when  that would rather deny the proof than reville with enough passing years passing to thoughts of villainy, shattering in soundwaves from the thousand and one different ways ive been told my empathy to permeate my brain with tyranny to ever clearly see ive caused from spewing vitriole, drowning on anger thats caterwhauling into my stomach brewing like deciduously rotten wine bubbling in virulent ive to can see reasons for ne to be labeled with this distinction, but when i ask for clarity on their reasons, immediately i can se, because to a certain degree the cup providedmemory of all the moments i chose hate and couldnt sleep wink  i shoveled in bursts of  , to live but you lit the flame to bring to name my shame when u shot soundwaves from the narrow lines launched of dischird from vocal chords reverberating dangereously close to setting off the mines of allibis and lies you hide in your own mind, expose your narrow minded that have burrowed their impossibly burning hemlock dipped tip into my minds imagined heart to start  up into shockwaves at the port side of the ship in my mind that i was happy to be lit up to stop my slip into excessive processing on the left side of my brain, gives no room for intuition to be used to for the life ive been killing spilling blood for over upon the desultry aspects of no fogiveness for, my boats full of lies have yet to come ashore but their faultering full of holes from all the cannon balls that have broken down the antiquated walls ive built to hide the truth, and im not bullet proof, so ive taken in water and am sinking, for this vision of these supposed divisions you say and she says and he says that ive been causingplayin out as a fantasy youve infected me with, to see my every decision as an armada of ships  come to a halt to not be bringin to port the sonic dischord of the breathe of at least a thousand and one humans whove been blowin these

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whats the difference between love and lost? They say that love can save those who are lost, but didnt Christ already die on the cross, to pardon the yet to be born, and those that cast the first stone? wasnt mercy already chosen, by gods supposed son, the chosen one, in response to the sum of the weight of the albatross of pain, that were forced to carry inhumanely across our daily crossings. As we cross out these teachings which should teach us forgiveness, but we fail to play witness to the lesson, lessening our empathy so its nearly forgotten, supplanted with vanity and made verboten, by writings in gold lettering, and etchings of rules on masonry, embossing the glossy idolatry of opportunists, who want to convince us to worship their biased confirmations, that they confirm in false placations, for only a few, who have chosen to follow the crewed hypocrisy thats spewed, like oil from a broken pipeline, in rainbows of cascading colors of sewt and grime, for cloak toting theologians, and suit wearing politicians, to buy some time, to blur the line, and destroy the melody to natures natural rhyme, theres no reason for them to tell this lie, yet they season and sell us the crime, of salvation thru divisions, that are made to make additions to their subtractions, while giving no retractions for their own inactions and reprehensible decisions, sermonizing with self righteousness in spite of all the contradictions in this, and they have the audicity to smile while they say, smite exists for sinners who dont repent and pay, for their sins, while these vermin hide behind officials of state wearing vestments, investing dead presidents to congest our deliverance from lovelorn obssessions. these cretins of industry and sophistry are paying good money in advertising to protect their oppression, enacting supression and promulgating depression to each an every citizen, so that we dont wake from our victimization, and slay the break in our moral convictions that leads us to groupthink isolation and devastation to our capacity for compassion, resignation to dispassion that resonates in self hatred, so our trancendent capabilities become halted, and were afraid of being our self, becuz were told to be less, and i dont wanna be the villain, but i gotta be killin this idea, that killing the self is ideal, becuz without myself i am helpless, loveless and crossed, never to be given forgiveness becuz i am lost, fallen amongst the self righteous, too righteous to admit my fear, of the face staring at me in the mirror, but i have to choose myself, not abuse myself, by letting my forgiveness, be lost amongst the self less. And im sorry if that makes me selfish, but without my sense of self first id be loveless and hopeless.

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Ive let my conscience lie unproclaimed, beset my conscious life with shame, enacted distractions to detract from inactions, where i defied and lied about the numerous times my male pride dealt pain without retractions, no apologies rather silently weeping in shame, for the loas of the flame of fire near the dendrites in my brain to bring from night to day to light the way to better deeds done, so many left undone, unspoken and broken in the line to tie together thoughts refracted and refrained from illuminations that could have been, that get caught in my throat it makes me feel hollow my smiles to sorrowtell a sweet lullaby to deny the voice inside, thats been telling me when its telling me i been getting done dirty, becuz i can honestly tell u besides the money thats been dropping from my wallet like a faucet ive been overwhelmed with responsibility on all fronts, having to deal with pardon me but i must call them cunts, that cause stunts in my growthcuz i love my baby but maybe she cant stand me cuz i cant seem to get my shit together, so i hope she can weather this storm thats blowing coming from the anxious monents that come closing closer to disposing us not holding hands becuz our loving affections had turned to stone. so give me the microphone, i need some distortion in this poem to shake the fits of nervousness that drown to static drone, cuz if u coulsnt tell i gotta a pinched nose cigarettes and blows to the nose that that have me blowing like a foghorn if i try hollering to a pitch that might have u itching and scratching this dull ache like you make me by not getting your shit together, but were birds of a feather u and me and id be a hypocrite to be mad at you for nit do-ing what i still have trouble doin nearing the age of 37 and i dough know

Im the kinda guy, whose been shoown to lie when his conscience to decide to deny the pain brought to my body and mind that resides inside my brain nearly all the time, in misfired flames, that deride my rhymes to turn to mis-laid blames captured between the lines  of shame conveyed in

Ive let my conscience lie silent, waiting for the

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Sad experiment😲re edited

i wanna divine
words that solidify my heart and mind
to Not feed the urge to rely upon dissonance and foolish pride,
Becuz i cant deny
Fiendish thoughts lurk with smirks to nourish my insides,
Feasting from the plate of hate to sate my doubt one too many times,
And i in kind
Merged insanity with the sublime
Bled a purge of false flatteries in silent smiling lullabies,
That over passing nights
Were dreamed to Isolate, make desolate and divide,
Devising sanity to disharmony of the cadence of a faulty rhyme,

but there was No truth in the melody to the song i tried to sing, as i was racing poetic pacings, that were paced with loveless lacings in place of the jewey sance- joy of life in its essence, and this absence should've led me to an insistence in finding my own semblance, that those with the presence of common sense would search out and let burn and burnish to light to fade to night hopes failing evanescence, but having tried and failed at false happiness, i utilized snide and tired remarks to try and convalesce, to no progress, yet i could occasionally hear in my progressions of fomenting rage, inceptions of reflections of love and laughter from passing years that turned to days of its blessing remains, ringing in my ears, over the dry tears never shed amidst my moments of strife, from all the books and lovers that filled my mind for reasons to live and love life, without cynicism filling my cup to the brim, whose pessimistic presence in my thinking brought nothing more than a regretful Requiem, to a rememberance of all good things passed, that can never last more than the last grain passing thru an hourglass, yet i asked so much of such a small spec, disrespectful in respect of the aspect of its capacity, to not be hidden below thoughts yet to be, til my memories became falsified and twisted by my idolatry of idleness and untried thoughts that made me pay, again and again and again, til I learned my lesson, becuz riven and resounding within each self proclaimed sin, is a puzzle that provides a map to the question, and the treasure to the answer is to learn to never give in, to the fear of not finding within, what flows with the effulgence of sweet Sufi wine to be tasted when one finds the time to search deep beyond the sad times that cast lines and break rhymes for love thats seemingly gone by the wayside, but I know hopes truthfully still inside, in a dream woven in a lullaby beyond all my conceptions of time. So I hold tight to the possibility of someday finding the divine.

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i wanna find the words that bind Not divide, becuz in my life i multiplied my words Too many times,  dividing my mind between lies and allibis passing by the by of missed lines, in scribeled down tapping on the phone scribes in my rhymes to find reason , to unbind the lies from the allibis, many rhymes of, to try and right the crimes of my allibis for the lullibies of lies ive sung, that dimming the light to a hue of a fading candlelight as un bright as the sight at night to my myopic vision,n o indescretions of artful misdirections, directed at those who smile with their lips so i had to find something light to bring back to life my lighter disposition, cuz nobody wants to constantly be exposed to

can you divine the words that solidify your soul to your mind, can you not feed the urge to rely upon lies that in time just lead to isolation and a divide, between the rhymes of humility and  lullibies of foolish pride, to capture the line between my sweet lullibies and lies, where humility finds its way thru foolish pride i get divided between the battle lines of sweet lullibies of lies, and false allibis ive devised for my denial, my rhymes with Too many times, of missed lines, in scribeled down tapping on the phone scribes in my rhymes to find reason , to unbind the lies from the allibis, many rhymes of, to try and right the crimes of my allibis for the lullibies of lies ive sung, that dimming the light to a hue of a fading candlelight as un bright as the sight at night to my myopic vision,n o indescretions of artful misdirections, directed at those who smile with their lips so i had to find something light to bring back to life my lighter disposition, cuz nobody wants to constantly be exposed to

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Im trying, to be happy, really, im trying, but truthfully im failing miserably, hopelessly and helplessly im searching about me, with my mouth laced with the taste of acerbity, fromthe disgrace of all the displaced citizens, who i play witness to watch waste and rot away from neurological impairments, because of the carless haste of their representatives, leaving them bereft of the rest of this nation, in whats now become a saddened barely whispered conversation, thats been ..causing my love for civilization to seemingly slowly die, from the weight of the pain of all these unattended cries, that feels like lead in my lungs, that grows heavier with each cigarette i smoke while, biting my tongue, in supression of saying little to nothing to anyone, about the issue ive been spending over a year thinking on, Flint, ive never been a resident, but i was born in the same state, and somehow it ate at my heart that i was able to escape.. while so many are stuck enduring such a miserable fate, though it seems inescapable no matter where u go, see dapl see all the places where theyre selling water, for pennies on the dollar, to private companies, so nestle can bottle up and sell for a fortune what should be free, and i wish i possessed the Understanding, thats necessary to understand how to convalesce flints misery, bit i cant, becuz i wont pretend i didnt grow up with water cleanlineas secured, on the blurred white side of the state, whose name i wont say out of shame for the cimes they perpetrate, which is part of the reason i moved away, over 10 years to the day.. which isnt to say i believe im safe, becuz we all share the same water ways, and tributaries.. that branch like fingers to touch.. upon 40% of survival and security for our nation states, so make no mistakes, on this, eventually its gonna come around to all of us, regardless of riches or class status, but some more so than others will be fucked up or dead becuz of this , and i wont profane my innocence, becuz i spent a long time being ignorant, out of obedience to the fears of my mother, and the bullshit profaned by others , and well intended advice from my father who always said keep your head down, work hard and dont shout, let your reasons lead to common sense, and everything will work itself out, but keeping my nose to the grindstone never helped me feel whole, instead it kept my head full of doubts, of the possibility of me being able to figure out, what quest path to take to slake the thirst born of ignorance, to pass the test to best the absence, of my hapiness, cuz i dont see the world in rosey colors or rainbows, and im not expecting every day is gonna be the same though, theres been too many days ive felt the rain without a bow yo, so in some ways its hard to know what this poems about, and because of all the days ive felt so alone, ive been holding back the tears from the fears of the years yet to come for my son, whos not my son born of another father and far removed from the rhetorical reasons of these politicians, who season citizens with dirty water, and dont bother to replace the filter, on the water treatment plant, well, i mean that, they switched the source from detroit to flint supposedly becuz they couldnt afford it, put filters on the tap to their sink and thats supposed to protect the citizens from lead in their drink, while our president reassures by taking a sip of it, as if the watwr he drank was the same as flints, and the state does nothing after the fact, putting the prologue of their offense in the past tense, acting the innocent bystander, blaming the e.p.a. for causing all this danger, and my anger is brought to an inextinguishable rage, And i wish i could give a list of demands, like saul williams, so i could concretely communicate my plans for my feelings.but im new to these dealings, and im not dealing tricks on tropes and quips just to satisfy my greedy need to seeth with rage about this, cuz fuck the rain, rainbows, and stones, i wanna grind out this poem, let my anger be known, cuz sometines u gotta let the words fly outta ur mouth just so u dont have to feel alone,

Amd i wanna make it known, in spite of the spite of thie prior poem, that i treasure love above fear, becuz love is not supposed to be synonymous with fear, even though ive found myself wanting to shed so many tears over these passing years in fright, from all the occasions just like Flint, where for the longest time i didnt give enough of a shit, to challenge profligate pain, that was, profaned upon these helpless turned hopeless inhabitants, that made it difficult to abstain from wanting to fight becuz of it, even though i knew, there was no battle or war that could be won, and my anger was separating me from the ones i loved and that loved me but i tried to maintain attenuations with unresolved conflicts and consternations, yet thers no magic to be done or music that can be sung, amongst these rage driven accusations, to regain forsaken embraces, that becuz of my rage were abandoned in isolation, separating two lovers with broken communication, two lovers saddled with self recriminations, brought from the shame of wanting to find silence and shelter in each others arms, amidst the, tempest of pain from, distemperate alarms, lauded by bigots with eyes to harm, and intentions to disarm our desire to find salvation, from malcontents full of malevolence, using unconstitutional litigation to drive seperations, between those who share compassion and forgiveness, they wanna make love synonomous with fear. But the only way to overcome my fear was to.. embrace love, and say... fuck the fear, becuz its a symptom.. of a.. frightened..failure, or an indication of an inability... to get passed the danger... of the possibily of having to live alone... without a savior, to not embrace the fact that we need someone to hold our hands..when our own minds and bodies become a stranger, as we grow old, when.. we know.. were no longer capable.. of surviving..on our own, and need to trust.. someone else..to help.. keep..ourselves..whole, somebody we can rely upon to give us reasons.. to have hope.. for our souls. And even though ive come to know that fear is not equatable with love, often have i equated it with these misplaced emotions ive spoken of. Allowed myself to embrace anger in place of Beats that break back wordy bouquets, instead partaking in sagacious rapaciois pugnacious tirades, to help appease my guilt and shame.. from having no one else to blame, because i dont wanna pretend like i cant havent never had..or wont ever have again, the sanctity.. and blessed mercy.. of love given, in massive portions.. and drunk in potions.. to stir my recrudescent.. memory, whose rekindling of the past has pushed reluctance out of me, forced me to speak of love burgeoning, that brightly begins in the night of the womb, so far removed from our remembered sight it seems encased in a tomb, a thought that cuts like a knife becuz it cant breathe into my mind the first light and so i feel gloom, becuz lets not lie to one another, love starts with the mother, yet it can be passed to the son and found in the father, but if love starts with the mother than my mother would say to speak plainly, honestly, so ill simply say that i need love, as do you as do we all.

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Fuck the fear-
-becuz love is not supposed to be synonymous with fear, though ive found myself shedding many a tear over the passing years in fright, from so many occasions of a profligate preponderance of pain, profaned upon the helpless turned hopeless that made it difficult to abstain from wanting to fight, in spite of knowing there was nothing that could be done, no battle or war that could be won, in struggling to maintain attenuations with unresolved conflicts and consternations, no magic or music that could be sung, amongst rage driven accusations to regain forsaken embraces, that were abandoned (and placed upon the cold parapet of) in isolation, by two lovers with broken lines in communication, two lovers saddled with self recriminations, brought from the shame of wanting to find silence and shelter in each others arms, amidst the tempest of pain from distemperate alarms, lauded by bigots with eyes to harm and intentions to disarm, our desire to find salvation, from malcontents full of malevolence, using unconstitutional and unconscionable litigation to drive seperations, between infinite combinations of those who share compassion and forgiveness with each other, they wanna make love synonomous with fear. But im here to say embrace love and fuck the fear, becuz its a symptom of a frightened failure, or an indication of an inability to get passed the danger of the possibily of having to live alone without a savior, to not embrace the fact that we need someone to hold our hands when our own minds and bodies become a stranger, as we grow old, when we know were no longer capable of surviving on our own, and need to trust someone else to help keep ourselves whole, somebody we can rely upon to give us reasons to have hope for our souls. And even though ive come to know that fear is not equatable with love, often have i equated it with these misplaced emotions ive spoken of. Allowed myself to embrace anger in place of Beats that break back wordy bouquets, instead partaking in sagacious rapaciois pugnacious tirades, to help appease my guilt and shame from having no one else to blame, because i dont wanna pretend like i cant havent never had or wont ever have again, the sanctity and blessed mercy of love given, in massive portions, and drunk in potions to stir my recrudescent memory, whose rekindling of the past has pushed reluctance out of me, forced me to speak of love burgeoning, that brightly begins in the night of the womb, so far removed from our remembered sight it seems encased in a tomb, a thought that cuts like a knife becuz it cant breathe into my mind the first light and so i feel gloom, becuz lets not lie to one another, love starts with the mother, yet it can be passed to the son and found in the father, but if love starts with the mother than my mother would say to speak plainly, honestly, so ill simply say that i need love, as do you as do we all.

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and love-why bother-
why, Becuz love to me is far more than memories of broken dreams, hurt feelings held too tightly, turning love into a sad remembering, of past tidings, that were not so tidy and mighty enough to lead to disagreements between us, in the not so seamless moments there were many things happening in our relations to cause seams in the creases of the folds of our skin, our hands once enrapt together, severed from their hold separated by our chosen, some might say sins, but i would simply call them adult decisions, admissions of conditions causing too much indecision, and imprisonment from the freedom of having a single thought, without conflation of opinion from another person, and thats too much consternation to be carried on, too much self deprivation from deoxygeonated lungs, from breathe held too tightly over arguments that were just supposed to be conversations, so our stomachs clench nightly in anticipation of the next fight from lowered expectations and sadness or madness becomes the projection of our depression, as for me, i was staring, helplessly at my phone while  bombastically spewing angry tirades as an intervention that turned to a maleadiction, while u would tell me u choose to shoot video game shit til u quit for the night to sleep upon your saddened disposition, as ur coping mechanism, and i dont want to be my fathers self righteous son, but god damn it woman, i wish you could see, sometimes how u you make it hard on me, to be free of his fucking tyranny, and i know ive made it hard for you, to drop the bad routines, inherited from your mother who, you dont want to end up like, as much as i dont want to end up like, my father, yet i end up being like my father, and u like ur mother, and we lose so much fucking patience with one another, that we come to this..this repetition of disingenuousness, and to all this, some might say why the fuck bother? and the only reply i can give is strangely enough due in part to my father, who told me when i was 12 years old that he was with my mother becuz he was too old to go searching for another, which i know now was a load of bull-shit, becuz im old and bold enough to know it and show it, what my father allowed himself to hold silently inside, as he used his male bravado to hide, from letting my mother or any of us know, that hes given too much of his soul, to her, to spare any leftover for another. And that he would gladly trade the last remnants of his soul, even for those moments, some less bold would say why bother.

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